A True Story: Overcoming Depression and Anxiety

It all started with this - difficulty breathing, tightness in chest, hot flashes, rapid, pounding heartbeat. At that time, I felt a sense of impending doom, like I was about to die from a heart attack. Uneasy and troubled, I headed to the washroom to have some space to wind down, which I eventually did after like 15 minutes. I shrugged off the thought that it was something serious. Then, I got back to my busy schedule. "Okay, so after work I have to disciple this connect group member at 7pm, then attend this church meeting at 8.30pm, and another one at 10pm. Then maybe have dinner after that. It would be around 12am or 1am after everything is done. Hmm tomorrow's schedule is going to be like this as well." I thought to myself silently. Yet, I was already tired, from meeting clients and travelling for work, but I had to press on.

That was 6 years ago. I worked as a marketing and sales executive as a fresh graduate back then, and as an introvert I was often put in uncomfortable situations such as leading (clearly not my forte) and was required most of the time to be more extraverted, which can be really stressful sometimes. I had this mindset to keep pushing myself to achieve more, to be used by God more and had high expectations for myself. I was a high achiever at work and in my studies back then. I enjoyed serving God and going to church. Yet, I did not know how to manage my stress and emotions, and I did not schedule enough of rest and time for myself. I was stressful most days, but I was not aware of it. Silly me, I thought it was a good kind of stress (eustress) because it pushed me to do more! This high level of stress had been constant, and it slowly piled up. And this lifestyle of mine continued for years. 

It got more serious until I took up a full-time master's degree course in counselling, at the same time I worked part time as a sales/admin executive and served in 3 ministries at church.

I was in class for a lecture. "Hmm why am I feeling anxious?" I thought to myself but there were no apparent reasons. Again, heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, and felt like my heart was weak and I thought I was about to die. "Do I have some heart issues?" I thought to myself. It got better after a while, but the heart palpitations stayed on from that day onwards for nearly every day most of the time and would get worse (had real difficulty breathing) if I stayed up late at night. 

Eventually I found out that something was clearly very wrong with me. I began to suspect that I was facing some sort of anxiety issue. I experienced racing thoughts before bed and had trouble sleeping, my logical thinking and judgments were impaired, and often found myself stuck in some irrational thoughts and also strong feelings of guilt, such as "I'm not holy enough", "God hates me because I didn't do this or that (which was usually something really trivial)", "my father will die in a car crash tonight" and so on. I experienced a few symptoms physically and mentally as well, you could read about some symptoms right here: 19 Warning Signs of Mental Health Issues. Eventually, I began to fall into depression thinking about my anxiety issues. I got worried that my mental health was deteriorating day by day and afraid that I might go psychotic. Then it got worse - I felt fearful for no apparent reasons, and would cry easily, in other words I was emotionally unstable.

Until one day, I decided to speak to my church leader, and she brought me to a psychiatric clinic. I remember having thoughts such as "my life is over if I had some mental health issues", "how can I have mental health issues and still be a counsellor in the future?", "what would people think and say about me?". Yet I knew, no matter what my thoughts were, I acknowledged that I needed help. I remember that I had a hard time accepting that I was facing some mental health issues when the doctor diagnosed me and prescribed me some medication.

After that day, I quit my part time job, and stopped some serving at church, and changed my lifestyle. I started to sleep earlier, eat healthy and exercise regularly (I picked up Muay Thai!). I remember resting so much at home that I felt uncomfortable and restless, because I was used to be so busy and productive. I began to read some self-help books on mental health and spirituality, and really rested a lot. Not only that, I developed a deeper sense of awareness of my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations, and spent time processing them and not ignoring them like what I did last time (I ignored that my body and mind cried out for rest, suppressed some intense negative feelings, and ignored some warning signs of stress back then). I find supportive people, like close friends and family members, are important no matter I am going through some hardships or not. I also began to cut ties with some toxic people in my life, and this has helped me develop a healthy self-concept and increased my self-esteem as well as my confidence.

Days passed and I found myself more stable mentally and emotionally. I began to develop resilience and found myself thriving in my studies as I placed most focus on my studies since I have more time. I began to understand the value and important of rest, and how to manage my thoughts and feelings. Also, I started feeling happy about life, and started developing positive and healthy mindsets, perspectives, and values. Through this experience I got to know myself better, I found out my limits, what are my strengths and weaknesses, what I want and would like to do with my life, and most importantly, I leant to accept and embrace myself and all of the weaknesses that I have with an open heart. I finally understood that God has allowed me to go through this so that I could help others and relate to those who are facing some form of mental health issues as a counsellor.

Throughout this journey, God has been my rock that I could rely on. If it’s not because of him, I would have gotten so lost and maybe even dejected about what has happened, maybe I could not even climb back up! Although this experience was really a dark and difficult one, yet it was a turning point for my life. I have gotten stronger because of this, and would like to let you know that it is okay to be at rock bottom in life sometimes, it is okay if you are facing some mental health issues, it is okay if you feel lost, because the potential energy is the strongest at rock bottom. You will soar again. What you are currently facing is just part of the process of you becoming a more influential person. It is all part of the journey to become who God has called you to be. And I assure you, God has never forsaken you and will never leave you. Know that all things work together for good to those who love God. He has great plans for your life, even greater than what you imagine it to be, things that your ears have not heard, your eyes have not seen, and your heart have not conceived. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

I hope this is able help you to gain some insight. Please feel free to contact me if you would like me to share more or to schedule an appointment for a counselling session :) Just drop me an email at kimkze@gmail.com .

Take care.

Sincerely Yours,

Kim

x

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