Listening is a conscious behaviour to make sense of words spoken by others. How often do we pause and full-heartedly listen to our loved ones talking? Have you ever noticed what you have listened? Being an introvert, I have always have the preference to listen more than speak. Yet many times I didn't know the right way of doing it (I just remained silent and listened to the person). Then, having learned counselling skills, this sharpens my listening skills and allows me to understand more about the art of listening (there's so much more than just remaining silent). Listening brings us tremendous benefits, here is how attentive listening impacts our lives.
The Impacts of Listening
1. Listening improves interpersonal relationships.
As we listen to others, we get to know the person more in terms of their personalities, values, beliefs, attitudes and so on. The other person feels connected (you could feel the connection too) and both of you would open up to talk more. You are then exerting some form of influence on them. Trust can be built. It helps foster deeper relationships with others, and people will feel understood and cared about. Dale Carnegie once said,
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
This is done by listening and being genuinely interested in people. Listening genuinely helps build meaningful relationships with our partners, family, friends, colleagues, bosses and with anyone.
2. Listening enables you to gain valuable insights and information.
When we listen, we gather more information from people. Whether it is new knowledge, perspectives, insights, or some updated news, we always learn something new when we listen attentively. I find that I'm the one gaining interesting perspectives and values from people when I'm the listener, and could even adopt some of the "informal teachings" into my life to improve myself. It also helps you in your decision making process as you have gathered enough of perspectives, insights and information.
3. When it is your turn to speak, people will listen to you.
As people have felt heard and understood, they will return the courtesy to listen to you when it is your turn to speak. I don't know if you have ever experienced this. It's like after you have listened to a friend talking, and naturally they would want to know about your opinions. Then as you speak, they would put in the same attention and interest in what you have to say.
4. Listening helps avoid conflicts.
When you listen, you would speak less. This then would help to avoid conflicts because your points are clear, and you are able to make a better impact. You will also know the other person's intentions as you listen more, thus avoiding misunderstanding and mistakes.
Now that we have found out the benefits of listening, how do we do that?
7 Tips on How to be a Better Listener
These are some of the things I would do when listening. Here are 7 tips on how to be a better listener.
1. Use your whole heart. Be present.
Be genuinely interested to listen. Be in the here-and-now with the person. Dive deep into what the person is trying to say. Be open minded. Listening attentively is something intentional so switch on the "listening" mode. This doesn't just apply to when your loved one is sharing some deep stuff, but also applicable to some light and easy conversations.
Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet. - Krista Tippett
2. Look at the non-verbal cues of the person.
When we listen, we not only listen with our ears, but with our eyes and heart. Peter Drucker said,
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.
Pay attention to the other person's non-verbal cues, such as their facial expressions, gestures, eye gaze, tone of voice, and so on.
Dr. Mehrabian claimed:
The interpretation of a message is 7% verbal, 38% vocal and 55% visual. The conclusion was that 93% of communication is “non-verbal” in nature.
This is how important non-verbal cues are in communication (they take up 93% in communication). One may use words of anger but showing sad facial expressions. Acknowledge the person's sadness, you may tell them something like, "I see that you are heartbroken about it." The other person would feel understood as you have reflected their feelings. This would build trust and deepen relationships.
3. Paraphrase what has been said.
After someone has shared about something, try to repeat in your own words what has been said. You don't wanna be seen as a parrot and this may be weird if you repeat word by word, so use your own words based on your own understanding. This shows that you understood well. If it is accurately paraphrased, the other person would agree and may say something like "That's right! Let me tell you more..." If it is not, the person may disagree and tries to explain again. This is also good as you could get to know the true meaning of what was being said. An example would be like this:
A: "I just bought a cup of coffee after I have finished the project. It feels good to have completed it. Walking around town is so nice today."
B: "So you have finished your project and you feel relieved and happy, that's good!"
4. Use minimal encouragers.
Minimal encouragers such as "Mm-hmm, ah-huh, yes, okay, yeah, go on, alright, I hear what you're saying..." help the speaker to elaborate and continue to talk more. It also shows that you are paying attention. Even by nodding your head, it shows that you are actively attending to the speaker.
5. Ask questions to understand more and clarify what has been said.
By asking questions, it shows that you have been following and listening to the speaker. Ask questions like "How do you feel?", "Why do you say so?" to understand deeper. If you are not sure of what the speaker meant, ask questions like "Could you explain more about that?", "I don't quite get it, what do you mean?".
6. Use open postures.
When listening, pay close attention to your body language. You may want to use open postures, such as no folding of arms and no crossed legs. Try leaning forward, mirroring (when the person drinks from his/her cup, follow him/her to drink from your cup), and place your arms in a relaxed manner. Make sure that you are at rest, relaxed and comfortable. An open posture can be used to communicate openness or interest, whereas the closed posture might mean discomfort or disinterest.
7. Don't look at your phone!
Yes, looking at your phone while the speaker is talking shows that you are not interested and not paying attention. It is rather rude, too. You do not want your listener to look at his/her phone when you are the one talking.
In conclusion, here are the impacts of listening:
1. Listening improves interpersonal skills.
2. Listening enables you to gain valuable insights and information.
3. When it is your turn to speak, people will listen to you.
4. Listening helps avoid conflicts.
7 Tips on How to Be A Better Listener
1. Use your whole heart. Be present.
2. Look at the non-verbal cues of the person.
3. Paraphrase what has been said.
4. Use minimal encouragers.
5. Ask questions to understand more and clarify what has been said.
6. Use open postures.
7. Don't look at your phone
As you use these tips above, the person many not even realize them if they are natural enough. But, they could feel that you are actually listening. However, if these behaviours are not present, the conversation may be awful. Stephen Covey said,
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
Remember, always listen to understand. And listen with your whole heart. I assure you that you will gain so much.
Sincerely Yours,
Kim
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