Love yourself first because that's who you're gonna spend the rest of your life time with.
Self-love always sparks the beginning of something great, whether it is self development, increasing of our self-esteem and self-confidence, it also helps us to discover ourselves more. Some of us may have this idea that self-love costs a lot of time and money. Perhaps some of us think that self-love means putting on some sheet masks, spending money on some pretty clothes, getting some boba tea, treating ourselves some fancy dinners, massages, vacations and so on. I'm not trying to say that these are not self-love. Yes, they are a form of self-love, but I think it could be more than just buying some stuff that would only be temporary gratifying. Although spending on these do make us feel good, but I believe that there is definitely more depth to it.
Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life.Â
These 6 steps below are my perception on how we should love ourselves. Let's dive in.
Love Yourself: 6 Steps to Self-Love
1. Acknowledge your feelings and thoughts in the here-and-now. Accept the situation you are in.Â
If you love yourself, learn how to accept whatever that you are feeling, especially intense negative feelings. Acknowledge the thoughts that you have, that have been running through your mind. Do not try to ignore them or bury the emotions that you are feeling. Emotions are a way that your body is trying to communicate to you. For instance, if you feel angry or sorrowful, it could mean that someone or something has violated your core values. What are you gonna do about it then? It will lead to some problem solving and reflection, as well as lessons to be learned. Acknowledging your thoughts and feelings in the here-and-now make you accept and love yourself because you do not try to hide the part of yourself that has screwed up. Read more on how to overcome setbacks here. If you give yourself some accepting space, like how you would sit and listen to your friends sharing about their sorrows, you would definitely feel and heal better if you do that to yourself too. It's like giving yourself the empathy and comfort that no one could give you 24/7.
2. Always forgive yourself, show compassion to yourself, and encourage yourself.
If you have done something wrong, you don't have to judge yourself so harshly. Everyone makes mistakes, and you need to give yourself permission to be human. I'm sure our close friends will be there to support us, but they could not be there all the time. Hence, you could show yourself some love. It could be a powerful thing. Sometimes we are just too hard on ourselves on our life goals. For instance, we all have a timeline for our achievement, like getting married by age 30, earning RM100k in 7 years, and we work hard to achieve them. Know that you will definitely get there someday, so cut yourself some slack. I am not saying you should not go for them or work hard, but know that sometimes being too harsh on ourselves will cause us some unnecessary stress, which may lead to the deteriorating of our health, mental health and even perception and attitudes about ourselves. Know how to relax sometimes and be flexible. Learn to balance between being flexible and when you need to persevere. Besides, remember to reward yourself if you have achieved something, even though it may be a small achievement.
3. Restructure your negative thoughts into constructive thoughts.
According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we think negati-ve way more than we think positive thoughts.
Since most of our thoughts are automatic (95% repetitive thoughts!) and we may subconsciously have a lot of negative thoughts (80%!), for me, this would be the hardest to practice. However, if you could re-programme your mind to produce constructive thoughts, it will do tremendous positive effects on your mental health, physical health, self-esteem, work, relationship, overall well-being and satisfaction in life. How do you do that? It's simple. First, recognize your thoughts. Then, restructure it. For instance, you may have this negative self-thought: "I am always careless and stupid." Change this self-defeating thought to a constructive one: "People make mistakes, and forgetting to bring my file does not make me stupid." It is when you first become aware of what you are thinking intentionally, then you will be able to catch that negative thought and restructure it.
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. — Lao Tzu
4. Take good care of your lifestyle.
Develop a healthy lifestyle. Have discipline to get at least 8 hours of good sleep. Not only it does wonders to your beautiful skin, it will greatly benefit your mental health and overall physical health. Develop healthy habits, such as exercising 2-3 times a day for at least 30 mins. Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Eat more healthy food such as fruits, vegetables, and avoid fried, oily, sweet, fast food and the list can go on and on. Have some time to get close to God, meditate and read the Bible. I know that these are pretty common and you definitely have already heard of them, but they are important!
Get enough of REST. When all your brain gets to think about is work and more work, problems and more problems, it will break down. Stress hormones would trigger the fight-or-flight response in us, making us highly alert, increasing our blood pressure, heart rate and so. High level of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline is detrimental to our physical and mental health. Imagine stress hormones "floating" in your body for days, or months (I hope no one says years!), and they keep telling you to fight or flight. Make sure to have enough time to wind down. You don't want to wait until you begin to develop some mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. Or some physical illnesses like high blood pressure or migraine. Take yourself out for walks, put on some sheet masks and listen to your favourite music, get yourself some coffee, hang out with your bestie, anything that helps you relax and chill. Schedule self-care days or maybe just a few hours of self-care in a day and make it part of your lifestyle. Know that physical health, mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health - they are linked to one another. If you love yourself, you would not let your health suffer. You would treat yourself with utmost care.
5. Choose your close friends. Set boundaries for yourself.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. - Jim Rohn
Who we spend the most time with shape who we are. The people whom we choose to spend time with exert the biggest influence on our behaviours, attitudes and results. This is because we are regularly exposed to their thoughts, attitudes, perception, values and behaviours. Thus, choose your circle of friends wisely. You may want to stay away from toxic people. Make sure to also set boundaries, i.e. you could say no if you are tired or drained, it does not make you a bad person; you deserve the break to recharge and come back to perform and socialize better. If you love the people around you, you would want them to have the best of you. Thus, don't be afraid to turn down some invitations if you don't have the energy to do so. Also, set boundaries for yourself, know whom to open up to and spend more time with. As Darren Hardy writes in The Compound Effect:
According to research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, [the people you habitually associate with] determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.
Thus, surround yourself with people better than you and see yourself thrive.
6. Develop yourself.
Last but not least, if you love yourself, develop yourself. I think this is the most important even though it is the last point. Always seek to improve yourself, gain new knowledge and skills, and challenge yourself. Go refine that guitar playing skill, sharpen your listening and communication skills, learn more about that field that you are interested in, master your leadership skills; there's so much to learn and develop. I have always loved this quote from Jim Rohn:Â
The greatest gift you can give someone is your own personal development.
Not only if you love yourself, but if you love those around you, develop yourself. Just like the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), God has given us talents based on our abilities, and it is our duty to steward and develop the talents faithfully.
In a nutshell, these are the 6 steps to self-love:
1. Acknowledge your feelings and thoughts in the here-and-now. Accept the situation you are in.
2. Always forgive yourself, show compassion to yourself, and encourage yourself.
3. Restructure your negative thoughts into constructive thoughts.
4. Take good care of your lifestyle.
5. Choose your close friends. Set boundaries for yourself.
6. Develop yourself.
Loving ourselves starts with accepting ourselves, respecting and treating ourselves right, and thinking of yourself in a positive way. It may be the hardest thing to do at first, but everything will fall into place if we love ourselves first.Â
I hope this helps. Feel free to drop a comment on what your perception of self-love is. :)
Sincerely Yours,
Kim
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