Still accepting the fact that I will be turning 30 soon…
From the bottom of my heart, here is what I would like to share about what I have learned throughout these years:
1. Prioritize your mental health more than anything
I have learned that my mental health is so important, and that it is literally everything, it could even rob your joy of life if you do not take care of it. I have let myself gone through the worst, i.e. setting unrealistic high expectations for myself in my work, studies, church ministries and not letting myself even to have ample amount of rest. I thought I had to keep going to succeed, and I literally made myself so busy everyday up till the point I had multiple panic attacks and anxiety issues. Nevertheless, I will not reach where I am today if not for the mental health issues. It is when I was at my lowest I got to understand myself the most, i.e. identified my values, accepted my personality, recognized my toxic behaviours towards people, drew boundaries with toxic people and environment, and identified my goals in life.
2. Your partner has flaws that you do not like and he/she is not going to complete you
My partner has his flaws, and there are always differences in terms of our personalities, core values and beliefs, but I have learned that I would need to accept every part of him and acknowledge that he would not turn into my ideal type of partner, expecting him to change into something he is not. I have come to think that there is no ideal or perfect partner, we would just have to accommodate and accept each other to make each other “the one”. Only God completes us.
3. Your past does not define you
As cliché as it sounds, this is so true. All of your traumatizing, unpleasant childhood memories and past, no matter how toxic you were, do not define who you are today. We are dynamic beings, we change and transform from our experiences. Your past may have affected your worldview and values, but you could always learn to accept it and make peace with it, and not suppress it so it does not create an unfinished business that will resurface later in the future.
4. Stop comparing yourself with others
Growing up, people would compare us with other kids in terms of academic results, how well we played the piano, how well we swam… the list goes on. This mindset of comparison was instilled in me and followed me until I was in my early twenties. I got to realize that it is toxic to compare myself with others, as it made me feel more superior to others and this boosted my self-confidence, which is totally the wrong thing to do. On the other hand, it crushed my self-confidence if I were the weaker one. Our self-worth and self-confidence do not come from being better than people! I have learned that we have our own pace in life, and eventually things will fall into place if we are working on it, i.e. you will get married to the one you love one day, you will reach that financial status one day, obtain your PhD, etc, you do not have to rush yourself and not being able to enjoy the journey!
5. Accept people’s compliments to you
I was so insecure and had low self-esteem when I was younger, and could not accept any compliments. I would deny that I was good at certain things, or how good my outfit or appearance looked. It took me a while to really understand and accept myself. Now, I think somehow my self-esteem grew as I got to know and accept myself more, and would say “thank you!” to those who compliment me. It is okay to acknowledge that you are good at something complimented by someone genuinely, there is nothing to feel bad about!
6. Life is a journey, the “ups” and “downs” are not permanent
I have learned that in life, especially when we are going downwards and have hit rock bottom, is not something permanent. Though it is dark and really difficult, but it could be a turning point for you to come back stronger. I recommend that during this time, really find plenty of time to reflect on your life and figure out what do you really want in life, what is the root problem, and so on. Also, it could be a very useful time for you to understand your limitations, strengths, and values. Get enough of social support too, friends and family play this very important role during our dark times as well. All these things that I have mentioned here was what I have gone through as well, and I've made it, you can too. There are times when you feel overwhelmed with life and its troubles, and that’s okay. Likewise, the “ups” are not permanent as well, but it is good to fully enjoy the moment that you are in. Without the “downs” you would not be able to enjoy the “ups” too.
7. Your flaws are what makes you unique
Believe or not, my self-acceptance was pretty bad up till a point I disregarded my strengths and saw them as my flaws. I have been told that I was this soft spoken, quiet and caring person but I did not like that I was like that. I wanted to be someone extroverted, with outspoken leadership abilities, and a good speaker influencing lives out there so much that I placed really high expectations for myself. Long story short, my mental health deteriorated because I placed tremendous stress upon myself and also high expectations from other people. It took me a while to find myself back and fully accept how I am created to be. Now, I do not see my flaws as something limiting, but they are to remind that “when I weak, then I am strong.” - 2 Corinthians 12:10.
8. Strengthen and really utilize your strengths
The reason why I have chosen to be in the mental health or counselling field is because I recognized that my strengths are listening, being empathic, caring… Not trying to boast here but would like to share that by living out our strengths and values, work and life is more meaningful. Try to reflect on yours, are you really utilizing your strengths and living out your values in life?
9. Live fully and be in the here-and-now
Living in the here-and-now or mindfulness is something that I have learned when I was at rock bottom with my mental health. By focusing on the here-and-now, regardless of whether you are with a friend, having a meal, spending time alone listening to music, your focus would be in the present moment and not the past or future. To practice mindfulness, try to pay attention to your senses (sight, taste, smell, touch, hearing), as well as your thoughts and emotions at that time. Try out activities like mindful showering (extremely helpful when I feel overwhelmed), mindful walking, mindful driving, mindful cooking and etc.
10. Falling out of friendships happens, people can disappoint you despite you being sincere and kind to them.
Sometimes I feel tired being all nice, sincere and kind to people, but thinking who is really taking care of me and genuine about me. This also means that I could be subconsciously expecting something from them in return, which I think I should not be feeling or thinking so. I have found friends whom I really want to be close to, but things do not always go according to my way sometimes. It is okay to acknowledge that people change and their group of friends change along the way of life, and that you are no longer close with someone whom you used to be close with. It is also okay if you could not fit in into some groups of friends no matter how hard or long you have tried to, I have really tried, but to no avail. It is okay. You may feel rejected and beaten up by it, but if you really do understand yourself and know what you are looking for, your self-worth and self-esteem will not be affected. True friends are hard to come by, so appreciate whatever time you have with those who stay.
So few come and don't go. - The Fray
Hope you have gained something from this sharing today, remember to also enjoy the journey in life while trying to get to where you would like to be. You will also get there one day. :)
Sincerely yours,
Kim
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