Dealing with a breakup is difficult, but things can be even harder when dealing with one during the Covid-19 pandemic and lockdown. Not only you have lost your life partner, your soul mate, but also your best friend. Somehow dealing with a breakup is like grieving for a death of a loved one. Yes I know it is painful, and that it is unbearable, but trust me, you'll get better soon. :) Here's what I would like to share - from my experience and also some psychology knowledge.
6 Things You Need to Know When Dealing with a Breakup
1. Embrace whatever that you are feeling. Feel the pain.
It's okay to feel pain. It is extremely difficult dealing with breakups as I know you may feel deeply hurt, rage, hatred, guilt, intense grief and all other dreadful emotions, but it is important you have to feel them, go through them and not avoid them. Some of us might not be able to stand these intense negative emotions and hence we ignore and push them away, or drown them with alcohol. However, each time by accepting them as a part of you, by acknowledging your feelings and embracing them, you heal a little faster. By going through your emotions you will understand yourself more. You make meanings out of this heartbreak. Would you feel better if you're in deep pain and there's someone accompanying and comforting you out of a sincere heart? Why not do that to yourself too? We all need that kindness and love for our souls. Sometimes we can't rely on people to be there for us all the time.
Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don't lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier. - Sabaa Tahir
If you ignore these strong feelings, try to bury them, act like nothing happened and forcefully work on something else, your wounds will still be there untreated and you think you would heal in time, but the fact is you wouldn't. You have done nothing to bandage your deep cuts. Thus, not only it hinders your healing process, it would hinder your growth. You would get stuck in some mindset that are unhelpful and irrational. This might turn into something called an "unfinished business", an issue repressed and buried deep inside your unconscious mind. It might be piled up little by little and one day explode when triggered. It will appear again in your future, your next relationship, affecting the quality of your life and thoughts.
Try to sit with them for a while, no matter how hard it is. Feel them deep. Then slowly, let them go and do something that makes you happy. Then you are one step closer to healing.
2. Understand what's going on with your hormones when dealing with a breakup. When going through a breakup, I know you are feeling all these weird emotions inside of you, like you're going crazy. One minute you're fine, the next minute you breakdown again. You think you need to see him right now, but another minute you think you'll be fine without him. One thing you should know is that this is because of the hormones inside of you. When one falls in love, the neurotransmitters release hormones like oxytocin (love hormones), dopamine (pleasure hormones) and serotonin (happy hormones). When you experience a breakup, your body would then suffer from this withdrawal, craving for your regular supply of love hormones. As cortisol (stress hormones) is still being released regularly, and at the same time lacking regular supply of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, your brain might not be able to take the stress and withdrawal. Hence, the body starts to crave for more love hormones, and you might do crazy things to get them. Wanting to text or call your ex or feel like getting drunk and engaging in risky behaviours are some of the "crazy things" that you might feel like doing. Hence, know that relapse happens and it does not mean you are losing all your progress of healing. Relapse is also a part of the process of healing as well, as long as you are working on it. Don't lose hope. You need to know that they are just hormones, and the hormones will regulate to normal soon. What you need to do for faster regulation of the love hormones is that don't try to feed the withdrawal. It's like recovering from drugs. Don't text him or her. Do something that will boost up your dopamine level instead. Activities like working out, hanging out with friends, journaling and other things that make you happy help your healing process. Find things that work for you.
3. A strong support system helps you cope and heal better. When you feel down and need some love, turn to your friends or family members. Give them a video call. Although it's okay to spend some time alone, but please don't isolate yourself, especially during the lockdown. According to psychologist Paul Bloom,
Humans are social beings, and we are happier, and better, when connected to others. - Paul Bloom
So call up that old friend and go out to have some coffee. Engage in deep conversations. Share your thoughts and feelings. Studies show that when one socializes, happy hormones such as dopamine are released. Thus you feel good hanging out with a friend. It is especially helpful for you to hang out with a friend if you are feeling depressed. Surround yourself with positive people and see yourself heal and thrive.
4. Self-care is extremely important and essential for your healing.
After a dreadful breakup, it may be extremely difficult to get up, wash yourself, get dressed, feed yourself and do the things that you should be doing. Some people might even have trouble sleeping, or would binge eat. However difficult it is to care for yourself, self-care is VERY important for you if you are going through a breakup right now. If you don't care for yourself, who would? This point could be a whole new topic to discuss. Here are 6 Steps to Self-Love. Self-care doesn't only mean putting on a sheet mask, eating some dessert, and treating ourselves. It also means being kind to yourself, hearing your deepest emotions out and not judging yourself. One thing that has helped me a lot during difficult times like this is to go on a vacation, or just a one day trip. By having some time to clear out your thoughts and create more happy moments, you will feel a lot better. Try creating a morning routine, or a daily routine. Fill your days up with happy things. With the routines you are able to feel more in control amid this period of heartbreak and uncertainty.
Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners. - William Shakespeare
Therefore, tend your garden, take good care of yourself. Soon you'll see the fruits in your life - fruits in your mental health (thoughts, emotions) habits, lifestyle, and eventually fruits will grow and you will reap the harvest in your relationships, at your workplace, financially and even spiritually. A little self-care goes a long way. :)
5. Going through your thoughts and reflecting them help you understand yourself more, heal and grow. It is also essential to go through the thoughts that you have. Find a quiet place that you like, and think about what has happened. I know it can be hard because your thoughts may be dark and all messed up. Memories will resurface but please hang on. Don't force them out of your mind. You need to hear those voices in your head to reflect and make meanings out of them. Let's sort this mess up. Start thinking to yourself: 1. What has happened? How did I contribute to the problem/breakup?
2. Can I forgive them? Do I accept that they are who they are and not how they should be?
3. Am I in control of my feelings or the other way round?
4. What are some of the values that I would like to uphold after this event?
5. What are some traits that I would like your future partner to have?
6. Am I able to use this experience to support myself in the future?
Besides, look out for some negative irrational thoughts such as "I am a failure", "I am no good", "I will never find love again", "I will never find someone like him again". Know that these are just thoughts in your head, just take them in as some form of information, they are not the reality.
6. This is just a process, a journey to where you are meant to be. Life is like when you are on the train, there'll be many stops, and different people would come in and leave, and also different challenges would come in and some would leave. All these things that you're going through are temporary, nothing stays. Some people or things will still be with you until the end, but at the last stop everyone has to leave as well. No matter what happens the train is still moving, life still goes on until you reach your final destination. Know that this breakup or down moment in your life is just for temporary, focus and continue to heal and grow, who knows if this heartbreak would leave at the next stop and someone/something new comes in? It may take a few stops until it leaves, but please also appreciate the things that you have, and the new people/things/experiences that come your way at the next few stops. :)
In a nutshell, here are 6 things that you need to know when dealing with a breakup: 1. Embrace whatever that you're feeling. Feel the pain.
2. Understand what's going on with your hormones when dealing with a breakup. 3. A strong support system helps you cope and heal better. 4. Self-care is extremely important and essential for your healing. 5. Going through your thoughts and reflecting them help you understand yourself more, heal and grow. 6. This is just a process, a journey to where you are meant to be. They say that time heals everything. I agreed that in time feelings will fade, but if there's no effort in healing, reflecting and developing, the wound will still be there. I know that things will get better if you focus on healing and developing yourself. :)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
We may not understand why things happened, but it is for our good. You'll see. :) Submit everything to the Lord, and he will establish your steps.
Take care.
Sincerely Yours,
Kim