Self-regulation is the control [of oneself] by oneself. - Andrea Bell
A simple definition by Bell. It is also a form of emotional intelligence.
People who have good emotional self-regulation could control their emotions well. They could find ways to cheer up or go back to neutral emotions when they are feeling down or negative. They could also control behaviours that might worsen their situation.
Everyone could self-regulate. Perhaps you feel that sometimes your feelings are all over the place, and it seems like you are losing control of your feelings. Or, you might feel heavily guided by your feelings. Sometimes you may even feel like your behaviour is out of your control. It is not, and you could take the wheel. Here's how.
6 Steps to Self-Regulation
1. Acknowledging and being in touch of what you're feeling and thinking.
I always emphasize on acknowledging our feelings and thoughts. You might have read about them a few times from my other posts. It is so important because all changes happen only when we have self-awareness. It is vital for our self-development. This is also the first step to self-regulation.
Ask yourself, how are you affected by some unfortunate events? Do you feel like running away from a difficult situation? Do you feel like lashing out in anger at someone who has wronged you? Acknowledge that. It is okay to feel that way, they are our emotions and they do no harm to us. Emotions are just to protect us. You may also check on your physical cues and be aware of what's happening with your body, for example, pounding or racing heart, chest tightness, upset stomach may be a sign that you are angry or anxious.
2. Identifying your triggers.
Figure out what causes you to feel what you're feeling. Is it because someone has broken some promises and violated your values? Is this because the person whom you value has hurt you? Look into yourself and cultivate a sense of self-awareness. Think about your strengths and weaknesses, your core values and beliefs, and what triggered you into developing intense negative emotions and a difficult state of mind.
3. Being open and thinking from other perspectives.
As soon as you have figured out Step 2, you must have calmed down a little from thinking rationally. Start to put your emotions aside for a while (they might come back but just slowly let them come and go, don't try to suppress them but acknowledge them), refocus and align yourself to think from the other person's point of view. It might not feel comfortable and it could be difficult to do so. You might figure out that the words or actions that someone has said or done were nothing personal, know that it is normal for people to only think about themselves. Thus, there could be a high possibility that they didn't have the intention to hurt you, but it was all about themselves. Being open also helps you to deal with difficulties flexibly and in a positive manner.
4. Reframing negative thoughts.
Now that you have done Step 3, it's time to go deeper to analyze your thoughts. You might realize there are some negative thoughts about yourself or others. With the presence of negative thoughts, negative feelings will also be present. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy claims that when you change your negative thoughts to constructive ones, your feelings will follow and turn to be positive as well.
Restructure your negative thoughts to positive ones, such as "It is so dreadful that the project that I've been handling has failed. I am such a failure", to "Failing a project doesn't mean you are a failure, it happens and I could learn some lessons from it". You will see that you will be feeling way more better.
Read more about how to deal with negative thoughts here (point number 3). Practise working on your ability to take a step back from your own thoughts and feelings, analyze them, and come up with positive alternative thoughts. Sounds simple, right? But it might be difficult because most of our thoughts are automatic negative thoughts. Yet, you are able to reframe them if you put effort intentionally to think about what you think and change them.
5. Staying calm and finding ways to relax.
It must be pressured to be in a difficult situation where you have to self-regulate. It is a good idea to withdraw from the situation for a short period of time, whether mentally or physically. But be sure not to avoid them because we do not want them to turn into some unresolved issues that might emerge in the future and cause harm to you and others.
You might even feel like not doing anything. But know that thoughts, behaviours and feelings are interrelated; your behaviours could change your feelings. So opt for some activities that would make you happy. Who knows after a walk at the park, you would feel more cheerful, and then your perspective switches?
Doing some relaxation techniques is good, like deep breathing, it gives you clarity of the mind. You could also do something that could make you feel relaxed, anything, like getting some bubble tea, going out with a friend, exercising and so on.
6. Believing in yourself
Thinking of experiences in your life when you have succeeded boosts your self-efficacy and self-confidence. Believe that you could be in control of your feelings and behaviours. You have the choice to believe in your own abilities and surround yourself with positive, supportive people.
Self-regulation is achievable and it is useful for any situation we are in. Once you are able to have the ability to control strong emotions by not acting on raw feelings in an impulsive or destructive manner, you will see that the quality of your health, mental health, work, relationships and all aspects of life improve.
Perhaps you are even struggling with some setbacks. You could gain some useful tips about how to overcome setbacks here.
Remember, you might not be able to control certain things from happening, but you have a choice in how you react to situations.
Sincerely Yours,
Kim
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